Wednesday, October 13

love for a brother

Hello, out there. 

It's 2am, and of course, I can't sleep. Maybe that's because I'm supposed to be at work right now. But tonight's shift was was last night's shift. Apparently the whole saying, "Be careful what you wish for" is mighty true, because I was wishing for more time to get my to-do list accomplished...and what do you know, I'm given all the time in the world due to low census at work. This week it's okay, though.

I'm sure you've seen that I am mega-stressed this week. My plate is so full right now. If you are hungry at all, let me know, and I'd be happy to share some of my gigantor meal with you. 

Most of the stresses have been little things...and then there has been the one big stress of getting in Physician Assistant school. It's so daunting. It is now more competitive than most medical schools...just to give you an idea of what I'm up against. The fact that I have made it to the interview is a really good sign, but I can't even think about what I'll do if I don't get in this year. The thought just makes me queasy.

Then tonight, as I was watching the Biggest Loser {TANGENT: I am really disliking this year's cast. So whiny, and no one is pleased with their weight loss ever. At least half of the contestants annoy me to no end.}, my dad called me. He said he had something to tell me. Then he told me that my brother volunteered to go to Afghanistan really soon. 

I held my composure really well while I was on the phone with my dad. Even after I hung up. But when I had to tell my husband, I found it difficult to choke out the words. Here is a little family history for you: My brother is 2 1/2 years younger than me. When we were kids, we were best friends, even mistaken for twins often. We did everything together. {Even ride dirt bikes!}
 Our bike was sweet :)

When my teen years came, I became interested in more than Matchbox and Barbie {ie: boys and makeup}. Then when his teen years came...our relationship fell apart. The experiences he had as a teenager couldn't have been more different from my own, and I didn't know how to help him. I have always been a caretaker by nature, and it literally tore my heart up that I couldn't find the way to make everything better. The more I tried to comfort him, the more he pulled away. Then I went to college and didn't see him often. 

Then he decided to become a Marine. I am so proud of him for this decision. He {and anyone else who joins the services} is so brave. He is learning to trust in his capabilities again, and to respect himself. He thrives with the structure the Marines provide him, and I hope he knows his worth now. 
I have known all along what a tremendous person he is, but it seems like he had to be reminded of this

Our relationship has been a tumultuous rollercoaster. Our downs were bad; real bad. But I love and care for him like I can't even explain. 
 I hold so much love for him. 

So much so that it comes rushing out of me in an explosion of emotion sometimes, and the poor kid doesn't know what to do with me! 

He was scheduled to go to Japan in January. This scared me, as it would be his first tour anywhere. But I figured, hey, at least it's out of the Middle East. Then, tonight, I found out that I had to prepare for him going to the Middle East after all. I better get back to praying more often, because I need to know that I am doing everything I can for my brother to be as safe as he can. I want him to know how much I love him without doing the overkill of emotion that I usually do. Maybe he'll read this, and he won't have to say anything to me about it, but at least he'll know the secure place he will hold in my heart forever.

So, little brother...this is for you. I love you dearly. I don't know how to handle you leaving, but I have to trust that you're a big boy and that you've been trained to do well in what you are about to go do. I also have to have faith in the Big Man upstairs.

Have any of you had to deal with a situation like this? Sending a loved one abroad? Any tips on the right thing to say or do? I just always seem to eff things up by trying too hard... You know, I guess my blog is mostly a personal journal, but I still really love getting feedback. It makes me feel like I'm not just sending out the thoughts I hold deepest in my heart into complete empty space. 

I genuinely get a smile from every comment and from every new follower, honestly I do! I'm a nerd, but it validates that what I have to say is interesting in one way or another. So, if you read my blog, humor me and comment on it from time-to-time or follow me if you aren't already. It just makes me feel like I don't pour my heart out for nothing...

I don't really know how to end this post, but I feel I've said enough.
Thanks for reading, it really does mean a lot to me. 

Cheers {to maybe getting some sleep now?}


  1. Wow...just wanted to let you know that i read this. Phil was also like my little brother for so long. It saddens me to know that he is going, yet I'm proud of him too.I just had a cousin who left with the Army and is over there now. It's not easy...and i'm not even that close to him. I've learned that the small things are what matter the most. I know that you are probably going through a range of emotions and i will be putting you and Phil in my prayers during this time. He is leaving on Nov. 6th? Wish I could give you a big hug now. :(
    Praying for you girl!
    (p.s- the pictures take me back... )

  2. Hey lady love.

    First of all, you are a great person and a wonderful big sister. I know Lindsey lets you know this constantly...little bro just may not know how to verbalize it. I think that what you wrote here is beautiful, and thoughtful and just the right thing. I hope he does read this - he'll see how much you really do care for him. I think what you said is perfect; that you love him and that you're proud of him.

    I have a really good friend in Afghanistan as we speak. In fact, I just sent him a care package with all the good things he misses from home: double stuffed oreo, twizzlers, orange tic tacs...he hasn't gotten it yet. That was my way of telling that I miss him, that I'm proud of him and "thank you" I guess. It's a hard thing to do but you're strong and he's strong and you both have a very good support system in your family.

    Everything will be okay. In case he doesn't read this, I think it would be important for you to, very simply, tell him that you love him, you're proud of him, and you'll look forward to seeing him when he comes home on leave.

    In the mean time, you know you can always call. I don't even have to talk. I'll just listen.

    Best, darling.

  3. Oh man, I can't even imagine how hard it would be knowing one of my siblings was going over there. I'll keep your brother in my prayers!

  4. I cannot even imagine how you're feeling right now. I know how important your family is to you, and I've watched your ups and downs with Phil over the years. I know all of you will be just fine because you have each other for support. You and Phil and your entire family are in my prayers. Let me know if you need anything! Love you!

  5. This post is so sweet and genuine of showing how much you love and care for your brother. It even made me choke up. I will be praying for you and your family.
    For myself, I dated a Marine back in 2003 and had to go through him going over to Iraq. It is definitely a hard thing to have to go through...not gonna lie. But I agree with what Lindsey said in her comment of how to show your brother how much you love and care about him. And care packages or letters are definitely the way to go for while they are over there.
    Hope that you have a good rest of the week and weekend!


How sweet of you to comment :) I love you for it!