love for a brother

Hello, out there. 

It's 2am, and of course, I can't sleep. Maybe that's because I'm supposed to be at work right now. But tonight's shift was canceled...as was last night's shift. Apparently the whole saying, "Be careful what you wish for" is mighty true, because I was wishing for more time to get my to-do list accomplished...and what do you know, I'm given all the time in the world due to low census at work. This week it's okay, though.


I'm sure you've seen that I am mega-stressed this week. My plate is so full right now. If you are hungry at all, let me know, and I'd be happy to share some of my gigantor meal with you. 


Most of the stresses have been little things...and then there has been the one big stress of getting in Physician Assistant school. It's so daunting. It is now more competitive than most medical schools...just to give you an idea of what I'm up against. The fact that I have made it to the interview is a really good sign, but I can't even think about what I'll do if I don't get in this year. The thought just makes me queasy.


Then tonight, as I was watching the Biggest Loser {TANGENT: I am really disliking this year's cast. So whiny, and no one is pleased with their weight loss ever. At least half of the contestants annoy me to no end.}, my dad called me. He said he had something to tell me. Then he told me that my brother volunteered to go to Afghanistan really soon. 


I held my composure really well while I was on the phone with my dad. Even after I hung up. But when I had to tell my husband, I found it difficult to choke out the words. Here is a little family history for you: My brother is 2 1/2 years younger than me. When we were kids, we were best friends, even mistaken for twins often. We did everything together. {Even ride dirt bikes!}

 Our bike was sweet :)

When my teen years came, I became interested in more than Matchbox and Barbie {ie: boys and makeup}. Then when his teen years came...our relationship fell apart. The experiences he had as a teenager couldn't have been more different from my own, and I didn't know how to help him. I have always been a caretaker by nature, and it literally tore my heart up that I couldn't find the way to make everything better. The more I tried to comfort him, the more he pulled away. Then I went to college and didn't see him often. 

Then he decided to become a Marine. I am so proud of him for this decision. He {and anyone else who joins the services} is so brave. He is learning to trust in his capabilities again, and to respect himself. He thrives with the structure the Marines provide him, and I hope he knows his worth now. 

I have known all along what a tremendous person he is, but it seems like he had to be reminded of this

Our relationship has been a tumultuous rollercoaster. Our downs were bad; real bad. But I love and care for him like I can't even explain. 

 I hold so much love for him. 

So much so that it comes rushing out of me in an explosion of emotion sometimes, and the poor kid doesn't know what to do with me! 


He was scheduled to go to Japan in January. This scared me, as it would be his first tour anywhere. But I figured, hey, at least it's out of the Middle East. Then, tonight, I found out that I had to prepare for him going to the Middle East after all. I better get back to praying more often, because I need to know that I am doing everything I can for my brother to be as safe as he can. I want him to know how much I love him without doing the overkill of emotion that I usually do. Maybe he'll read this, and he won't have to say anything to me about it, but at least he'll know the secure place he will hold in my heart forever.

So, little brother...this is for you. I love you dearly. I don't know how to handle you leaving, but I have to trust that you're a big boy and that you've been trained to do well in what you are about to go do. I also have to have faith in the Big Man upstairs.

Have any of you had to deal with a situation like this? Sending a loved one abroad? Any tips on the right thing to say or do? I just always seem to eff things up by trying too hard... You know, I guess my blog is mostly a personal journal, but I still really love getting feedback. It makes me feel like I'm not just sending out the thoughts I hold deepest in my heart into complete empty space. 

I genuinely get a smile from every comment and from every new follower, honestly I do! I'm a nerd, but it validates that what I have to say is interesting in one way or another. So, if you read my blog, humor me and comment on it from time-to-time or follow me if you aren't already. It just makes me feel like I don't pour my heart out for nothing...

I don't really know how to end this post, but I feel I've said enough.
Thanks for reading, it really does mean a lot to me. 

Cheers {to maybe getting some sleep now?}