So I am going to be honest with myself and with you and say, yes, I take things very personally. You know those certain things about your parents that you hope and pray you don't acquire? Well, my dad is a very emotional guy, and he takes everything personally! It frustrated the hell outta me growing up, but I have ended up the EXACT same way. And honestly, it's not something on the forefront of the things I'd like to change about myself.
With that said, part of me being someone who takes things really personally means that I take friendship really seriously. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to invest my time and energy into a friendship and then expect nothing back. I truly see friendship as a relationship - a two-way road. Unfortunately for me, I have lots of "friends" who don't think the same way. So many people who I have believed love and care about me absolutely do not have the time of day for me. I'm not whining about people having zero time in their day, because we are ALL busy. I know schedules can be really incompatible at times, and it could take months to plan a time to hang out. I get that, honestly, I do. What I don't get are people who don't have time to respond to a phone call, text message, facebook wall post, or whatever. And these same people who claim to be sooooo busy and make excuse after excuse for why they haven't had time to return a text message for 5 months are spending all this time on facebook or posting photo album after photo album of wild nights out on the town. Really? That's fine if that's what you do with your free time, but at least don't lie to me about it and say you don't have any free time. Because I may be naive (see last post), but I'm not stupid. I can see on facebook when it comes onto my news feed that you have been busy with these activities. No, I'm not "Miss Social Scene" and yes, I do prefer to have an intimate dinner with close friends as opposed to going to a house party with one hundred acquaintances. There are SO many people that Tyler and I invited to our wedding because we saw them as important people in our lives. Had I known how many of them would have just disappeared out of my life...maybe we wouldn't have invited them.
So what I'm really trying to do here is assess what it means to be a friend. This whole blogging process has not only been really therapeutic for me, but also really eye-opening. Throughout the last month, I have gotten so much love and support from my wonderful blog readers in regards to the goals I have set for myself. It's so interesting, because lately, the people who have been giving me the most of themselves and their time are people who I have always thought were really nice, but not people I really hung out with regularly. I find myself getting support from people not in my traditional "friend" category. It doesn't bother me that most of my friends don't read my blog (I definitely don't expect that!), that's not the issue, it is just making me re-think my friend category. I have gotten more words of encouragement from you all than from a lot people who have said they were a really good friend of mine. So, what makes a friend? I am finding that my "friends" aren't meeting my expectations, and my blog readers are actually my friends. So - I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive and kind to me :) Love you!
And honestly, I'm not trying to come across as whiny or self-pitying at all. I am legitimately trying to just sort some things out, and find answers to these questions I have held inside for years.
Have any of you experienced this? Am I just crazy for being so frustrated with this situation that repeats itself with friend after friend? Do I need to lower my expectations of people? What do you think...